What Can I Say About High School?

     High School.  I think if everyone was honest about it they would admit that high school is four of the toughest years of your life.  Reasons may vary greatly for different people.  It may be shyness, or a difficult time figuring out where you fit in.  Maybe it's  peer pressure or grades.  Whatever the individual struggle I think we would all have to say it was a combination of both good and bad experiences, running the spectrum from one extreme to the other.  If you were lucky, your good experiences far out-weighed your bad.  No matter which  it was, the combination ultimately made you the person you became as an adult.

     I would love to say that my high school experience was wonderful, but if I did I would be lying.  Oh, there were highlights.  I would never say it was all bad because there were some great times.  My freshman year was amazing!  I was cheerleader, ran with some great friends and got along with everyone.  It was like the ultimate high school experience should be.  I was on top of the world.  Then came my sophomore year and the bottom dropped out of my world. 

     I attended a very small school, only 26 people in my class.  Because we grew up in such a small town we knew everyone and always felt like everyone was the same.  We didn't actually have exclusive groups of popular kids; we were all just kids.  That being said, anytime you have that many kids together, some are going to be more influential than others.  That was never me.

     These are memories that have affected my entire life and is something I rarely tell anyone because it is too painful.  Without going into a lot of detail, I think that it is time to quit holding it all inside.  Maybe if I do open up I will finally find some peace from the nightmares that still haunt me.   Most people, if they knew the whole story, would probably tell me that we were just kids and to get over it.  Believe me, I have tried.

     I have always been a very sensitive person and a people pleaser.   At the age of 15 and 16, I wanted nothing more (other than a drivers license) than for everyone to like me.  I take rejection very personally and very hard.  There were 3 major traumatic events that happened that year.
     1.  My very best friend quit school, got married and moved out of town.
     2.  My cousin, who was also like a best friend, also quit school and got married.
     3.  Another close friend, whom I would never have intentionally hurt her feelings, apparently
          misunderstood something I said (and to this day I still don't know for sure what really
          happened) and she got mad at me.   Please know that what you are about to read is
          only a hint of how I was treated.   For personal reasons and for the sake of not making
          you read an entire book I will spare you the painful details.

     I'm sure you are thinking this doesn't sound like the end of the world to you.   Let me assure you this was no normal bickering between girlfriends. First, because of the 2 weddings I had lost the 2 girls I had always spent the most time with, even though I was still friends with the girls in my class (we only had 26 people in our class so there weren't that many girls).  Second, this misunderstanding got way out of hand and became some well planned scheme to black-ball Karen.  I had no warning, there was no argument, I was totally blindsided.  My friend got some older girls into it and I spent my entire sophomore year pretty much alone because it got so bad nearly no one at school spoke to me with the exception of just a handful of people.  I still don't know what was said about me that turned so many people that had been good friends into people who whispered behind my back when I walked down the hall, laughing and calling me names.  It got so bad that I finally walked off school grounds and ran home crying in the middle of the day, planning to never return.  I went so far as to enroll in another school, and moving in with out of town relatives.  The principal talked me into coming back.  I had a job at the local restaurant and worked as many hours after school and weekends to keep myself busy.  Just so you know that even the year from Hell wasn't all bad, I did have some guy friends from other area schools that I dated some that year.  Plus, I got my drivers license (of course, if you have been reading my blog for a while you know what a nightmare that was)!  Needless to say, I was never cheerleader again.

     By my junior year, my friend was over it and wanted us to be friends again.  I let it drop because I was so lonely and anxious to have friends again, but it was never the same.  We  ran around some, but were never the close, best friends like before.  She and another good friend had gotten really close and they spent more time together.  For the remainder of high school I felt like an outsider, always working as many hours as possible at my job.  Also that year, one of my closest friends was killed in Vietnam.

     By the time I got through senior year, I still spent most of my time outside of school working.  Another friend had gotten married and the other one had a steady boyfriend.   I dated on and off over the years but never anything  serious.  In spite of feeling like a complete outsider I still managed to graduate Valedictorian.   I couldn't wait to get out of town, which I did, moving to Kentucky the very next day after graduation.

     Before finishing up, let me assure you there were some wonderful, nice people that I went to school with.  A few of them I have been able to reconnect with through facebook and I love them.  Some that were involved in the year from hell, I repeatedly apologized to for anything I might have said to upset them.  I thought I had fully forgiven them for their retaliation, never dreaming it would still haunt me 40 some years later. 

      I do think I have finally figured out why I haven't been able to forget it; why it has affected me all these years.  Because of events that happened my sophomore year, I have lived 43 years with an inferiority complex.  I am still trying to please everyone, wanting to be liked, wanting their approval, but never feeling that I am worthy.  After that year I built a wall around my heart and was always afraid to let anyone get too close to it; afraid to open the door and let anyone through for fear I would get hurt again.  When I met Kenneth, he was the first person I didn't try to keep at arms length.  But even after him, when it came to making friends, I still tried not to get too attached in case they changed their mind and didn't want to be my friend.  It is why I am still somewhat of a loner.

     For years I didn't even want to go back to Milltown for anything, and didn't much.  Over the years, the pain has softened and I do remember the good times more often and have again found a soft spot in my heart for my hometown and the fun of growing up there.

     I apologize for the length of this post (blame Beth and Jo).  Thank you if you have hung in there and are still reading.  I have kept this bottled up inside for so long, but think I needed to let it out.  Cleansing of the soul, as they say.

Until next time...that's my view.
Kat