Week 64 GBE2 prompt - Hidden
Whether you want to admit it or not, we all have a side to us that, for one reason or another, we try to keep hidden inside. Maybe it's an uninhibited side that you hide because it makes you do embarrassing things that you later regret. It could be an uncontrollable temper or a control issue. Or it could be an insecure side that makes you feel helpless or afraid. Whatever your tendencies that you try to keep hidden, eventually they surface whether you want them to or not. I'll be the first to admit that I have a hidden side; one I try very hard to keep hidden; one I've battled for most of my life. Unfortunately, that lurking monster surfaced this week for a short time opening old wounds as well as new ones and generally causing stress.
My hidden side is the demon of insecurity, usually released by confrontation or rejection. In this case, it was confrontation. I am not good at confrontation; in fact, I just plain stink at it. As soon as it starts I immediately retreat into the persona of the teenage girl who always wanted to please everyone; who was afraid of not being liked and who was crushed when shut out by friends. A girl who was so afraid of disappointing someone that I became an over achiever. What was often mistaken for over-confidence was really a fear of failure. I spent most of the first half of my life trying to please everyone by being whatever I thought someone expected of me. It took me years to realize that I couldn't be everything for everybody and that I just had to be me. It was hard to bury my insecurity.
Unfortunately, no matter how deep we bury our demons there are always going to be triggers that can bring them to surface. For me, it was fear of hurting people I care deeply about. I couldn't bear the thought of that and when faced with confrontation I immediately reverted to my old insecure alter-ego.
The good news is that after a rough couple of days, healing has begun and hopefully my demons have been put to rest. It had been several years since I had experienced those old feelings and I must say I hate the thought that they can still raise their ugly head. I really thought they were long ago buried for good. Apparently no matter how hidden we think they are, we can never completely conceal our inner demons.
Until next time...that's my view.
Photo courtesy of Microsoft Office Free Online clipart.