Thursday, August 9, 2012

What's Hidden Inside

Week 64 GBE2 prompt - Hidden

      Whether you want to admit it or not, we all have a side to us that, for one reason or another, we try to keep hidden inside.     Maybe it's an uninhibited side that you hide because it makes you do embarrassing things that you later regret.  It could be an uncontrollable temper or a control issue.  Or it could be an insecure side that makes you feel helpless or afraid.    Whatever your tendencies that you try to keep hidden, eventually they surface whether you want them to or not.  I'll be the first to admit that I have a hidden side; one I try very hard to keep hidden; one I've battled for most of my life.   Unfortunately, that lurking monster surfaced this week for a short time opening old wounds as well as new ones and generally causing stress.


     My hidden side is the demon of insecurity, usually released by confrontation or rejection.  In this case, it was confrontation.  I am not good at confrontation; in fact, I just plain stink at it.  As soon as it starts I immediately retreat into the persona of the teenage girl who always wanted to please everyone; who was afraid of not being liked and who was crushed when shut out by friends.  A girl who was so afraid of disappointing someone that I became an over achiever.  What was often mistaken for over-confidence was really a fear of failure.  I spent most of the first half of my life trying to please everyone by being whatever I thought someone expected of me.  It took me years to realize that I couldn't be everything for everybody and that I just had to be me.  It was hard to bury my insecurity.  

     Unfortunately, no matter how deep we bury our demons there are always going to be triggers that can bring them to surface.  For me, it was fear of hurting people I care deeply about.  I couldn't bear the thought of that and when faced with confrontation I immediately reverted to my old insecure alter-ego.  

     The good news is that after a rough couple of days, healing has begun and hopefully my demons have been put to rest.   It had been several years since I had experienced those old feelings and I must say I hate the thought that they can still raise their ugly head.   I really thought they were long ago buried for good.    Apparently no matter how hidden we think they are, we can never completely conceal our inner demons.

Until next time...that's my view.
Kat


Photo courtesy of Microsoft Office Free Online clipart.






    

17 comments:

  1. Surprising to me that you call them inner demons. I think we all NEED to be able to say what's on our mind especially to people we care deeply about. They need to know what's going on inside. If something happens that causes confrontation, we need to be able to speak up and clear the air. The key is to always remember to be kind, though honest and clear. No name calling. Remaining calm is not easy, but very helpful.
    You are entitled to speak up for yourself and your family and your friends. You are entitled to say what you think needs to be said. Then when the air is clear, life goes on with better understanding. Everyone knowing they cannot always have what they want, but sometimes you can!

    They aren't demons, my friend, they are your defense or offensive weapons...it's good to learn to use them wisely.


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    1. Jo, I think it's all in how our inner alter-ego makes us act. I call mine a demon because it renders me helpless. You see, it doesn't make me speak up and defend myself. It makes me shrink into a wimpy puddle of tears. You see, I was the one on the receiving end of the confrontation. I stood in shock, mind blank and didn't know what to say. That's why I hate when it comes out. It makes me such a sniveling weakling.

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    2. I see. In this case, I believe you should practice. Really. You gain confidence and strength by practice. In front of the mirror. Replay that situation again and again and don't be reduced to a puddle of tears. Take a deep breath and tell yourself,until you believe it, "I do NOT deserve this. I will not shrink!" Through your chest out and stand your ground. It takes a lot of practice, talking out loud to yourself, but it is something you can learn. It's worth learning. The feeling of standing up for yourself is amazingly powerful.

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    3. Oh and throw that people pleaser out the window!

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    4. Thanks Jo, you really are a great friend!

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  2. I have the reverse problem. My inner demon roars too easily when I should be calming her down. Wanna trade for a week?

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    1. Marianne, I'm not sure I could handle your demon! :)

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  3. May you grasp ahold of the weapon that worked for you previously and banish the "demon" with a swift stoke, lopping off its head once and for all.

    Cheers.

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    1. Thank you Jeremy, that is good advice.

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  4. Not wanting others to be mad at me is a biggie, it can 'cause a lot of trouble when in the end if someone does like you or your choices there really isn't much you can do to STOP them from being mad at you. I hate insecurity too, it makes you feel lost. *hugs*

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    1. Thanks Elizabeth. It really is a biggie. I thought when I was younger I would grow out of it but I'm not sure I have completely.

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  5. in our weaknesses....we will be made strong......you......are one of the bravest women i know :0) and this too shall pass...and we smile on knowing..wow..what a view

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    1. Thank you so much Brenda. You always have the sweetest things to say and I really appreciate your comments. I think you have more confidence in me than I do but it is nice of you anyway.

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  6. Kat, I think we all go through tose ups and downs in life... Feeling great one day, but not the next. The best thing is to simply move forward, to move on....

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    1. That is so true Daphne. We can't let the down times really drag us down.

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  7. There is so much truth in this. I can identify with it on so many levels. I agree that people keep a lot hidden. As they build trust with someone, the layers begin to fall away. You just have to move forward and do the best you can and accept that some things you can never totally grow out of. Some things like that follow us through our whole lives. Great take on the topic!
    Kathy
    http://gigglingtruckerswife.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you Kathy. I think you and I have a lot in common.

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